It's my party...

I asked Blake tonight, are 4 year olds fragile or is our boy just fragile? He said a little of both but Wilder is just tenderhearted. I'm trying not to feel like the worst mom in the world because Wilder cried three times at his party! I was reassured that it's bound to happen and that it's a sign of a successful party. I planned some balloon games to play. I didn't think about how loud balloons are when they're popped. The first game all the kids had balloons tied around their ankles and the goal was to chase each other and pop somebody else's balloon without yours being popped. This was a hit until Wilder's balloon got popped and it broke his little heart. Then we played a game where the kids had to pop the balloons with their bottoms to get the candy out. The popping scared the bageebies out of Wilder. Funny how the babies didn't seem to care. Anyway, I felt bad. I just wanted him to have so much fun. Tonight at home I was telling Wilder I was sorry he was upset during the games. He told me to never play those games again, and to play games he liked like tag, and hide and seek. Duh, mom. Sigh.

The third time he cried was during the cutting of the cake. He did not want me to cut through his name. We barely had enough cake for everyone so I started to cut into it anyway. He went hysterical! So I managed to keep it. I guess he can eat it Monday on his actual birthday. I thought is was cute how he covered his ears when we sang to him. I think he was a little embarassed by all the attention.

Overall, think Wilder had a good day. He was so cute helping me get ready for the party. He helped with the cake and filled the treat bags. He was so thoughtful to put treats that he knew each person would like specifically.

Oh my sweet 4 year old. You are: smart, silly, thoughtful, specific, tender, creative, energetic, loving, stubborn, impatient...mine.

I love you Wilder Blake.

Grandmother

i just miss her. so much. already.

there is nothing like losing a loved one to make you appreciate life. makes life feel really short. makes me want to be more open and honest with those close to me. of course there are things i wish i would have said to her. it doesn't seem possible that i was talking to her in her chair a week before she passed. i wanted to tell her thank you for loving me so well. for always making me feel special and valued. for how comforted i felt when i was with her. i wanted to tell her how beautiful i thought she was. even the last time i saw her, two days before she passed, her eyes were beautiful. the same eyes that stand out to me in her childhood photos.

a few things i will miss:
receiving cards with her handwriting in the mail.
being able to call her
hearing her say "now then" after she makes something better
everything about her house
her cooking
her hugs and kisses
her goody bags of whatever was on sale at the grocery store. usually a random assortment of things.

things that will remind me of her:
cantaloupe. a staple at her house.
the smell of noxema. i remember her rubbing it on our sunburns when we were at the lake together.

in addition to my husband she was the most selfless person i know. even two days before she passed she was trying to make arrangements for all those who were coming to visit her to have lunch. She was also signing birthday cards for the remainder of the year. she always made me want to be a better person. i hope people will be able to say the same about me.

now that she is gone i feel closer to God, Heaven, knowing she is there.